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30 September 2008 @ 05:31 pm

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Guys, you have to help me....
My principal and vice principal are doing this stupid thing where they invite a group of students to their office for lunch every Wednesday. Guess who got invited?
I faced the fact that I have to eat something in front of them; but this is very hard for me. i have a fear of eating in public, and I have no idea how my metabolism will work if i eat lunch.

Will I lose weight if i have soup and crackers for lunch, exercise for 90 minutes, then have a light dinner.

Words of encouragement, hugs, and suggestions are all appreciated!

(mmmkay I know that being afraid of public eating sounds pretty damn superficial, but I honestly cannot help it. I feel very self concious and fat.)
 
 
07 September 2008 @ 07:27 pm
I haven't done this in ages . . . but I think that I'm going to fast! Kind of . . . just two days. I just ate way too much this weekend. People don't even ask me if I want to eat stuff, they just hand me a plate with food on it and I would feel terrible saying no. But I think I'm going to fast. I'm so full right now from eating an hour ago, it's gross.

Tomorrow, I have school so I will leave the house at 7:00 a.m.  I will feel no temptation to eat until about 11:00 a.m. when I will meet my friend and go over to the mall . . . at this time, I will feel tempted to do our usual thing and go to See's and get a sample . . . I will just have to pass. Not a big deal. Then, I have philosophy and biological anthropology . . . then I'm going to a friend's apartment. She will offer me food. I will say that I ate at the mall earlier with my other friend. I'll hang out with her until that gets tiresome, at which point I will head over to the congressional campaign office where I volunteer. If they offer me cake or anything, I will just politely decline. No one knows me very well so again, not a big deal. I'll stay there until eight, at which point I will head home, getting back by about 8:15. When my parents ask me what I ate, I'll say that I ate a Subway sandwich at the mall and that I had ravioli at my friend's apartment and then the other six inches of the Subway sandwich at the campaign office. My transportation in my bicycle, so that is 7 miles of bike riding.

Then Tuesday, I work all day at my old high school. If I don't bring food or money, I don't need to worry about eating until I get home at 2:30. My friend will probably give me a large apple, which I will put in my bag for later. I'll come home, maybe take a quick nap, go to my 4 p.m. therapy appointment. I will come home and if people make me eat, eat. if not (which is a strong possibility) I won't. Whatever I do, it will be after 6:30 because I want the 48 hours of not eating. My transportation is my bike again, so that is 10 miles.

Wednesday, my schedule mirrors Monday . . . we'll see where I am then. Probably restricting but not severely and not skipping eating entirely.

Right now I really really hope I stick to this, but I was in a similar place two weeks ago and my therapist talked me out of it, so we'll see. I want recovery and I hate recovery, so . . . well i don't know. We'll see.
 
 
 
04 September 2008 @ 05:58 am
I'm so confused. I binged yesterday and on the 1st. And if *feel* like i'm gonna binge today. I KNOW i'm gaining wieght and turning into a fat lard!!!

BUT

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning, and my parentsare getting suspicious of me again. I'm terrified that i'll stand on that scale and the number will be too low and that will make me happy but i'll be in a shitload of trouble. I'm scared of standing on that scale and having it be too high and that will make me feel like crap but will make them happy and keep my ass out of trouble.

So part of me is saying 'go ahead. Binge today. You dont want to get in trouble.'
and Part of me is saying 'fat lard. You're going to stand on that scale and see what you deserve!!!'

And i have no clue weather i should eat today or not. Help please!!!
 
 
03 September 2008 @ 06:06 am
My jeans are loos and i'm annoyed. Anyone else feel this way? Its like 'yay, they're loose!!......argh, and now they're bunching at my butt and i cant run without the crotch falling down!!'
 
 
 
31 August 2008 @ 07:13 am
My hair is falling out. For the first time since my relapse it's really falling out. SHIT. I'm going to start taking two one-a-day tablets every morning, starting today. Anyone else have this? Malnutrition sucks. What do you guys do?
 
 
 
28 August 2008 @ 04:01 pm
 Everyone says you should eat breakfast to boot your metabolism, but will hot coffee boost it just as much as solid food? thanks in advance. 

Been binging the last few days and it SUCKS. I have a phobia of scales, but sunday i'm going to force myself on to one as punishment. I'm already scared.
 
 
 
28 August 2008 @ 04:18 pm
I hope this community get s more active, I'm relapsing as well :(
 
 
24 August 2008 @ 07:36 am
 Well, today's going to be good. I can just feel it :) I work durring dinner so i can have as little calories as i want (I live at home). So it charts out like this:

B: Banana + Coffee = 150
L: Bruchetta or granola = 150
D: Not sure. = 200 (max)

Just wondering, what are you guy's safe foods? Mine are

bananas
coffee
strawberries
grapes
luna bars
karma bars
special K protien bars
chicken breast
All veggies (except carrots)
honey
fat free ice cream
diet soda
conr flakes
skim milk
steamed dumplings
soup (certain kinds to be sure)
sugar free candies

what about you guys? 

Oh, and you HAVE to try the new Vivano drinks from starbucks!!!!!! They are PACKED with protien and LOTS of vitamins (they dump vitamin powder into them) and they taste really good. The fruit one is 250 cals and the chocolate is 270.
 
 
 
23 August 2008 @ 05:25 pm
Welcome to ED TakeTwo. 

This is a community for those relapsing into an eating disorder. A place to discuss pretty much anything related to that. Here are my stats

AGE: 17
HT: 5"2 1/2
CW: ???
HW: 123
LW: 96
ED: Anorexia (diagnosed by doctor)

Phase 1:

Started when i was 15. I had gained some weight (I was at 120 lbs) and decided to loose it. I ate a little less every day. One less side dish with lunch. Then have two side dishes but no main dish. Then we did a huge unit on the Holocaust. Things went downt the crapper because i no longer deserved to eat, and i was too sickeningly privliged. No lunch at all. At that time I was around 103. That fall i ate better, actually, but dropped to my LW. Then, a mirical. 

I wanted to recover. 

I was still scared of it, but i started increasing my cals, excersizing less, ect. I stopped going on these sites. My recovery wasnt going quickly enough for my parents. They decided to go on the Maudsly approach, force feeding me, punishing me (LITTERALLY!!!!) with food. I want not allowed to cry. 

Since then i've only wanted to get sick again, but I've only just recently lost weight. I've developed a nice little phobia of scales, but i'm guessing i weigh....109? Maybe less. Probably more. 

Well, thats it for my history. Now this; some questions for you:

1. Do you find it easier the second time around, or harder?

2. Do your parents know?

3. Did your body change shape? (mine did. I store fat differently now)

4. How has your ED evolved?